Writer's Block

I have been diligently trying to write a new post for almost a solid week. However, I am afraid that my perfectionist attitude has taken over and I have come down with a case of writer's block. I tend to experience this awful problem right around the time I have a huge research paper due (I'm positive it has nothing to do with the fact I leave the 10 page paper until midnight the night before its due date). Anyway, anything that I have written lately just doesn't seem to sound right, or I get half way through and delete it out of frustration for lack of wisdom or wit. I'm not even sure if anyone other than my mom (hi mom!) reads this, but I still want it to be something worthy of an audience. I want it to be inspirational, educational, or at least enjoyable. But, lately all my thoughts have been too disorganized to amount to any piece of writing other than the post it notes scattered around my desk at work.

I suppose this lack of creativity could be from the amount of stress I have been feeling lately. Apparently, around week 8 of your internship you become an all out therapist. I'm talking being in charge of new patients' incoming assessments, writing up evaluation reports, updating reports for medical records, reporting at patients' team meetings, planning a special event, leading all the group and individual therapy sessions...the list literally goes on and on. My days are busy and I love it, but they are also tiring. Last night I came home from work around six after finishing up paperwork and fell asleep around 8 p.m. until 7 a.m. this morning. It's official, I have become my father...only I fell asleep in my bean bag chair and not a recliner.

This past week has been one of my most emotional weeks of the entire internship. I have almost cried on several occasions. The first time happened after an evaluation with a patient that reminded me so much of my Granddad that passed away almost seven years ago. This patient had a stroke and has a left field cut. A left field cut in Layman's terms is a blind spot in your vision. His just happens to be a very big blind spot. He loved playing a domino game called Chicken Foot (which is a game my Granddad taught me when I was younger) with his family, but admitted to me he was intimidated to play with his poor vision. I encouraged him to try and when the game had concluded and he had successfully kicked my butt, I noticed tears in his eyes. He was so happy that he could still continue to play Chicken Foot with his family and not worry about being a burden. He thanked me over and over again for working with him and not letting him give up. This was about the time I almost lost it with the water works.

The second time I teared up this past week was during an evaluation with a new patient. He has really poor speech intelligibility, so his verbal evaluation was especially difficult. He also has some pretty intense physical complications, but his cognition and mental capabilities seem to pretty much be intact. These type of deficits and symptoms are probably the worst in my opinion because you are pretty much trapped in your own body. Your body and mind at war. His situation though has shown me the true definition of "in sickness and in health". The patient's relationship with his wife is absolutely amazing. She sees past the man sitting in the wheelchair and still continues to see the man she fell in love with. Just watching them interact and seeing the affection they share despite the now drool covered kisses, literally brought tears to my eyes. In a society so devastated by divorce, it was reassuring to see a love as strong and true.

I am not typically so emotional, but I have decided these almost instantaneous tears are a result of the stress and being a little bit homesick. I have been in Galveston on my own for two whole months and I am ready to come home. Not that I haven't enjoyed my internship, tiny little apartment, or having a beach right up the road, but I MISS my family and friends.

MISS THE MOST:

Hugs from my mom and dad. Caleb's crazy antics. Joey's sarcastic comments. Kristen's laugh. Wal Mart trips with Lesley, Natalie, and Elly. My Little. Late night talks with the annex. Dinner dates with my Big. A real bed. Barn Cokes. A shower with water pressure. Oklahoma's humidity. Meals that aren't made in a microwave. Furniture. Braum's. Limey's. Getting to wear T-Shirts everyday. Free Laundry. Sillwater. Walks around Boomer Lake. OSU's Campus. Country Roads.

16 more days...

The Little Moments

I have been at TLC for six weeks now and I can honestly say that I have loved my experience thus far. I will admit there have been days that sleeping past 6:30 am sounded a whole lot better than work. However, after at least one cup of coffee and breakfast, my outlook on the day always seems much brighter than when I was still pressing the snooze button on my alarm. I have never claimed to be a good morning person, God did not bless me with a perky attitude for the wee hours of the morning (this includes any time before 8 am). My mom once bought me something that had a cartoon of a grumpy looking person and the saying "I think I'm allergic to mornings." So, you get the picture....it is not a pretty sight. However, walking into work and knowing that I get to work with the patients that day instantly brings a smile to my face. The patients are the reason I love my job.

I believe that God places passions and desires in our hearts to fuel us for the plans we are to accomplish in our lifetime. I have known from a very young age that I had several very strong passions in life, helping people with disabilities being one of them. It wasn’t until a few years before starting college that I figured out I could actually apply that passion to my career. Thank goodness because after five years of working for my dad as a secretary showed me I was not meant for desk work. This internship has just increased my confidence that I am meant to work with people and not just filing cabinets and copy machines.

I suppose the reason I love people with disabilities so much is because they live a life filled with struggles. Whether it is physical, cognitive, emotional, or all of the above, each day is another battle to overcome. They must work harder and try harder at a lot of things most people take for granted. If you want to see a true definition of determination, watch a patient trying to learn to walk again after their accident. If you want to see an amazing example of perseverance, find someone that struggles to put their socks on by themselves because they suffer from weakness on one side of their body. They don’t give up trying to do it independently, even after failing 1,001 times. The people I get to work with everyday should be celebrated for their accomplishments. Think of one of the most difficult things you have ever done in your lifetime, now imagine doing that each day. When I started my internship I was hoping to make a difference in the patients’ lives, I didn’t realize the impact they would have on my own life.

The patients have shown me true acceptance. I know that even when I have a mountain range taking up residence on my face, they will still call me beautiful. The days when I can’t seem to do anything right, they will still appreciate my effort. Even in those embarrassing moments of tripping over my own feet, they will still help me up without judgment. I have also learned from working with brain injury patients to cherish the little moments the most.

Moments like when a patient remembers my name solely from memory without any hints or guesses.

Moments like when a patient gets excited and happy to see me, when normally they show almost no emotion.

Moments like when you can see the patient progressing and becoming more independent.

Moments like when a patient walks across the pool all on their own.

Moments like when the family thanks you with tears in their eyes for changing their loved one’s life.

The little moments are the ones that keep me going when I’m stressed out or when I think I’m not making a difference. Those little feats are reminders to not give up hope.

Bucket List

Life has become so much more fragile in my eyes since starting this internship. I have gotten to see first hand how easy it is for your whole life to change in an instant. I have made a "bucket list" before, but this one means more. I have honestly thought about my list and decided what really matters to me the most. I want to experience all that life has to offer and also give back as much as possible at the same time. We all have dreams, passions, and goals for a reason, but it is up to us to try and achieve them. So, here are the 25 things (some important, some not so much) I hope to check off during my lifetime.

My Life List

1. Graduate from OSU with Honors

2. Live in Boston, Massachusetts

3. Exercise four times a week for a whole year

4. Karaoke

5. Learn American Sign Language

6. Fly First Class

7. Visit Stonehenge

8. Visit the Colosseum

9. Visit the Leaning Tower of Pisa

10. See the Northern Lights

11. Take a picture in front of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree

12. Go on a mission trip outside the U.S.

13. Get Married

14. Attend a Yankees vs. Red Sox game

15. Buy something at Tiffany & Co.

16. Obtain a Master’s Degree

17. Write a book

18. Have children

19. Start a Non Profit Organization

20. Celebrate my 25^th Wedding Anniversary

21. Visit all 50 states (32 left)

22. Do something that really scares me

23. Own a house

24. Watch Time’s All-Time 100 Movies

25. Have something named after me

Crisis Averted

Community outings are an important part of the therapeutic recreation department at my internship site. It helps us evaluate the patients' safety, orientation, awareness, money management, and many other valuable skills for being independent. I have been on several outings since being in Galveston, but today was the first time I was in charge. I had to figure out all of the details like, vehicle assignments, patient to staff ratio, and observe all of the patients for progress notes. The day started off great with everyone excited about the outing, brunch and a walk along the beach. Thankfully brunch went well without any major mishaps or outbursts. The walk on seawall, was not only hot, but a bit of a challenge. Long story short, I thought I lost a patient. Thankfully that was not the case, however, I never again want to experience those two very long and worry filled minutes again. Accidentally killing my patients was my only out of portion fear of the internship, at least until today. Connect Four, Jenga, and Scategories, as far as I know haven't been linked to any deaths, but people do wander off. My nerves and anxiety are now that of a young mother tending to her newly, mobile set of sextuplets in the mall...constant counting of heads, judgmental glances from the onlookers, and absolutely no peace of mind until everyone is back home, safe and sound. Luckily today there was not a crisis and all of my patients made it back to the facility (let's hope it stays that way). Tomorrow is another outing (due to the legal holiday) to a local coffee shop. I am learning fairly quickly that real life doesn't take a time out for holidays or celebrations. I worked today (July 4th) and I am working tomorrow when the rest of the treatment team staff gets a paid holiday. Just another day in the life of a student intern, right? Gotta love it!