2011: A Year of Many Blessings

Where does one even begin when trying to summarize a whole year into one letter? I suppose from the beginning, huh?

As the last year started, my college career was also ending. I had finished all of my required classes at OSU and only had a 600 hour internship to complete before graduating. I was spending my last semester of school in Oklahoma City working at Saint Anthony’s Hospital. My amazing cousin, Kerri, and her husband, Jeff, had agreed to take me into their home for the duration of my internship (I will forever be grateful for their help and generosity). So, the first four months of the New Year I spent most of my time with children dually diagnosed with mental illness and intellectual disabilities. I had to wake up crazy early to make it to work on time every morning, but I always showed up with a smile on my face (a pretty impressive feat for the ones of you that know about my allergy to early mornings).

My internship was quite the learning experience. I had the opportunity to work with an array of children and adolescents, all with different stories. The days may have seemed long, the cafeteria food was not great, and I had to wear awful green scrubs every day, but those kids became my world. They taught me many lessons, mostly in patience and unconditional love, but also I’m pretty sure I learned a few new four letter words as well. As my internship was ending, the reality of graduating college began to really set in…and I had no idea what I was supposed to do after May.

Thankfully, God works in mysterious ways. My first job opportunity fell into my lap. I had one interview and was offered the job a week later. I never imagined I would have a job before even graduating with my degree, but this wasn’t just any job, it was my dream job. So, I obviously accepted.

For the past seven months, I have been living in Edmond and working as a therapist for children and adolescents diagnosed with autism. After countless research papers, projects, and studying all focused on autism in college, I was finally getting to live out my dream. My first week of work was rough…kind of like my first week of college. I was head butted in the cheek by a skinny, little, eight year old kid after which, I called my mom to tell her that I was going to be horrible at my job. However, I survived my first week with only a couple bumps and bruises (literally) and a few tears, but I made it through and kept going back. Luckily, the days of getting head butted or kicked are outweighed by the good days.

My job title is technically an Expressive Therapist (unless you have spoken to my dad then you might have heard something like, underwater basket weaving. Isn’t he so funny?). I am in charge of working with approximately forty-six children (half of them non-verbal) for three hours a week in groups centered on learning basic life skills, social skills, and how to express/process their feelings in a positive and healthy way. The kids are absolutely amazing, even on their bad days. I’ve had a six year old call me their best friend and a fourteen year old boy, that doesn’t speak, greet me every day with a hug. I cannot imagine my life at this very moment without those kids in it.

So…to sum up what is already a really long letter, the year 2011 was quite the adventure for me. I graduated college, moved to a new city, started a new job, and have made some pretty awesome friends and memories along the way. I have been immensely blessed these past 365 days, as well as my entire life. I am thankful for my friends and family that have been so supportive, generous, kind, and loving to me. You all are the reason that I am where I am today. Without you, I’m not sure I would have made it. If there is one thing I have learned by working with my kids, it is that to have a great influence on someone does not take great effort…just great love. So, thank you for your influence in my life!

What happens when you look up from life and realize you're 80 plus years old?

There are so many times that I wish I had my Granddad around to ask questions exactly like that. I want to know what matters most to someone when everything is said and done. I want to ask him things like, "what do you know now, that you wish you'd know then?" Unfortunately, my Granddad was gone much sooner than I would have liked and way before I was mature enough to realize I needed to sit down and ask him these questions. So, instead I have been trying to figure out what he might say to these questions, hoping that the answers will help me make a huge life decision: move to Hawaii or stay home.

When I applied to the Hawaii internship, I did it out of pure spontaneity thinking it was without a doubt not a possibility. When I was contacted for an interview, I accepted to prove to myself that I was someone worth hiring (aka better than all of the other applicants). Finding out I was offered the internship was an awesome feeling, mostly because I have this insane desire to always be number one. However, the offer had to either be accepted or declined, which meant a huge decision needed to be made. I'm not sure if I have always been indecisive or if that just started during college, but decisions are a problem for me...especially ones as big as moving my entire life across the ocean for four months.

I thought for sure, my parents would say no to Hawaii as soon as the words left my mouth. However, apparently some where in between me writing on our family van with a rock and now I have gained their respect and trust enough to decide this one on my own (lucky me). So, now I am left with a decision that seems to grow in immensity by the day.

If you asked me which way I was leaning, most days I'd tell you quickly Hawaii. I long for the adventure and independence that experience would give me. Although, there are days when I wonder if choosing Hawaii is me being selfish and irresponsible. My parents have already given me so much that I can't stand the thought of asking for something more. Hawaii is quite possibly one of the most expensive places I could have chosen and I wonder how big a burden that would be on my parents financially. Would it cost them a couple more years of work that could be spent enjoying retirement?

If worrying over the finances of a trip isn't enough, I also wonder about what I'd be losing in relationships while in Hawaii. College is typically the last time you have with your friends in the same place. What would I be missing out on with them, if I choose Hawaii? Time is something you can never get back. Is time in Hawaii more important than time I could have spent with my family and friends?

I know that the easiest answer to all of the questions would be something along the lines of "What do you think God wants?"

But, how do you decide when you are earnestly praying for an answer or guidance and hear only silence? What then?

Writer's Block

I have been diligently trying to write a new post for almost a solid week. However, I am afraid that my perfectionist attitude has taken over and I have come down with a case of writer's block. I tend to experience this awful problem right around the time I have a huge research paper due (I'm positive it has nothing to do with the fact I leave the 10 page paper until midnight the night before its due date). Anyway, anything that I have written lately just doesn't seem to sound right, or I get half way through and delete it out of frustration for lack of wisdom or wit. I'm not even sure if anyone other than my mom (hi mom!) reads this, but I still want it to be something worthy of an audience. I want it to be inspirational, educational, or at least enjoyable. But, lately all my thoughts have been too disorganized to amount to any piece of writing other than the post it notes scattered around my desk at work.

I suppose this lack of creativity could be from the amount of stress I have been feeling lately. Apparently, around week 8 of your internship you become an all out therapist. I'm talking being in charge of new patients' incoming assessments, writing up evaluation reports, updating reports for medical records, reporting at patients' team meetings, planning a special event, leading all the group and individual therapy sessions...the list literally goes on and on. My days are busy and I love it, but they are also tiring. Last night I came home from work around six after finishing up paperwork and fell asleep around 8 p.m. until 7 a.m. this morning. It's official, I have become my father...only I fell asleep in my bean bag chair and not a recliner.

This past week has been one of my most emotional weeks of the entire internship. I have almost cried on several occasions. The first time happened after an evaluation with a patient that reminded me so much of my Granddad that passed away almost seven years ago. This patient had a stroke and has a left field cut. A left field cut in Layman's terms is a blind spot in your vision. His just happens to be a very big blind spot. He loved playing a domino game called Chicken Foot (which is a game my Granddad taught me when I was younger) with his family, but admitted to me he was intimidated to play with his poor vision. I encouraged him to try and when the game had concluded and he had successfully kicked my butt, I noticed tears in his eyes. He was so happy that he could still continue to play Chicken Foot with his family and not worry about being a burden. He thanked me over and over again for working with him and not letting him give up. This was about the time I almost lost it with the water works.

The second time I teared up this past week was during an evaluation with a new patient. He has really poor speech intelligibility, so his verbal evaluation was especially difficult. He also has some pretty intense physical complications, but his cognition and mental capabilities seem to pretty much be intact. These type of deficits and symptoms are probably the worst in my opinion because you are pretty much trapped in your own body. Your body and mind at war. His situation though has shown me the true definition of "in sickness and in health". The patient's relationship with his wife is absolutely amazing. She sees past the man sitting in the wheelchair and still continues to see the man she fell in love with. Just watching them interact and seeing the affection they share despite the now drool covered kisses, literally brought tears to my eyes. In a society so devastated by divorce, it was reassuring to see a love as strong and true.

I am not typically so emotional, but I have decided these almost instantaneous tears are a result of the stress and being a little bit homesick. I have been in Galveston on my own for two whole months and I am ready to come home. Not that I haven't enjoyed my internship, tiny little apartment, or having a beach right up the road, but I MISS my family and friends.

MISS THE MOST:

Hugs from my mom and dad. Caleb's crazy antics. Joey's sarcastic comments. Kristen's laugh. Wal Mart trips with Lesley, Natalie, and Elly. My Little. Late night talks with the annex. Dinner dates with my Big. A real bed. Barn Cokes. A shower with water pressure. Oklahoma's humidity. Meals that aren't made in a microwave. Furniture. Braum's. Limey's. Getting to wear T-Shirts everyday. Free Laundry. Sillwater. Walks around Boomer Lake. OSU's Campus. Country Roads.

16 more days...

The Little Moments

I have been at TLC for six weeks now and I can honestly say that I have loved my experience thus far. I will admit there have been days that sleeping past 6:30 am sounded a whole lot better than work. However, after at least one cup of coffee and breakfast, my outlook on the day always seems much brighter than when I was still pressing the snooze button on my alarm. I have never claimed to be a good morning person, God did not bless me with a perky attitude for the wee hours of the morning (this includes any time before 8 am). My mom once bought me something that had a cartoon of a grumpy looking person and the saying "I think I'm allergic to mornings." So, you get the picture....it is not a pretty sight. However, walking into work and knowing that I get to work with the patients that day instantly brings a smile to my face. The patients are the reason I love my job.

I believe that God places passions and desires in our hearts to fuel us for the plans we are to accomplish in our lifetime. I have known from a very young age that I had several very strong passions in life, helping people with disabilities being one of them. It wasn’t until a few years before starting college that I figured out I could actually apply that passion to my career. Thank goodness because after five years of working for my dad as a secretary showed me I was not meant for desk work. This internship has just increased my confidence that I am meant to work with people and not just filing cabinets and copy machines.

I suppose the reason I love people with disabilities so much is because they live a life filled with struggles. Whether it is physical, cognitive, emotional, or all of the above, each day is another battle to overcome. They must work harder and try harder at a lot of things most people take for granted. If you want to see a true definition of determination, watch a patient trying to learn to walk again after their accident. If you want to see an amazing example of perseverance, find someone that struggles to put their socks on by themselves because they suffer from weakness on one side of their body. They don’t give up trying to do it independently, even after failing 1,001 times. The people I get to work with everyday should be celebrated for their accomplishments. Think of one of the most difficult things you have ever done in your lifetime, now imagine doing that each day. When I started my internship I was hoping to make a difference in the patients’ lives, I didn’t realize the impact they would have on my own life.

The patients have shown me true acceptance. I know that even when I have a mountain range taking up residence on my face, they will still call me beautiful. The days when I can’t seem to do anything right, they will still appreciate my effort. Even in those embarrassing moments of tripping over my own feet, they will still help me up without judgment. I have also learned from working with brain injury patients to cherish the little moments the most.

Moments like when a patient remembers my name solely from memory without any hints or guesses.

Moments like when a patient gets excited and happy to see me, when normally they show almost no emotion.

Moments like when you can see the patient progressing and becoming more independent.

Moments like when a patient walks across the pool all on their own.

Moments like when the family thanks you with tears in their eyes for changing their loved one’s life.

The little moments are the ones that keep me going when I’m stressed out or when I think I’m not making a difference. Those little feats are reminders to not give up hope.

Bucket List

Life has become so much more fragile in my eyes since starting this internship. I have gotten to see first hand how easy it is for your whole life to change in an instant. I have made a "bucket list" before, but this one means more. I have honestly thought about my list and decided what really matters to me the most. I want to experience all that life has to offer and also give back as much as possible at the same time. We all have dreams, passions, and goals for a reason, but it is up to us to try and achieve them. So, here are the 25 things (some important, some not so much) I hope to check off during my lifetime.

My Life List

1. Graduate from OSU with Honors

2. Live in Boston, Massachusetts

3. Exercise four times a week for a whole year

4. Karaoke

5. Learn American Sign Language

6. Fly First Class

7. Visit Stonehenge

8. Visit the Colosseum

9. Visit the Leaning Tower of Pisa

10. See the Northern Lights

11. Take a picture in front of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree

12. Go on a mission trip outside the U.S.

13. Get Married

14. Attend a Yankees vs. Red Sox game

15. Buy something at Tiffany & Co.

16. Obtain a Master’s Degree

17. Write a book

18. Have children

19. Start a Non Profit Organization

20. Celebrate my 25^th Wedding Anniversary

21. Visit all 50 states (32 left)

22. Do something that really scares me

23. Own a house

24. Watch Time’s All-Time 100 Movies

25. Have something named after me

Crisis Averted

Community outings are an important part of the therapeutic recreation department at my internship site. It helps us evaluate the patients' safety, orientation, awareness, money management, and many other valuable skills for being independent. I have been on several outings since being in Galveston, but today was the first time I was in charge. I had to figure out all of the details like, vehicle assignments, patient to staff ratio, and observe all of the patients for progress notes. The day started off great with everyone excited about the outing, brunch and a walk along the beach. Thankfully brunch went well without any major mishaps or outbursts. The walk on seawall, was not only hot, but a bit of a challenge. Long story short, I thought I lost a patient. Thankfully that was not the case, however, I never again want to experience those two very long and worry filled minutes again. Accidentally killing my patients was my only out of portion fear of the internship, at least until today. Connect Four, Jenga, and Scategories, as far as I know haven't been linked to any deaths, but people do wander off. My nerves and anxiety are now that of a young mother tending to her newly, mobile set of sextuplets in the mall...constant counting of heads, judgmental glances from the onlookers, and absolutely no peace of mind until everyone is back home, safe and sound. Luckily today there was not a crisis and all of my patients made it back to the facility (let's hope it stays that way). Tomorrow is another outing (due to the legal holiday) to a local coffee shop. I am learning fairly quickly that real life doesn't take a time out for holidays or celebrations. I worked today (July 4th) and I am working tomorrow when the rest of the treatment team staff gets a paid holiday. Just another day in the life of a student intern, right? Gotta love it!

Was Peter Pan Right?

Recently, I have had a LOT of time to think (living alone and 10 hours from your friends can do that to you). It seems that each time I log into Facebook another one of my friends is engaged, married, or even having babies. Just yesterday I had a notification from a name I didn't recognize. Don't worry it was just another one of my friends that had gotten married. When did my friends all start getting married and start having families? This is a new phenomenon to me and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean when did I grow up?

Wasn't it just yesterday that Joey and I flooded my bathroom "washing clothes," or playing baseball in the backyard with ghost runners, and having acorn fights at Michael and Holly's? The memories seem too fresh and vivid to be anything other than recent. What about the days of climbing trees, falling off the monkey bars, and chipping my knee cap at a rollerskating birthday party? (I was/still am very much accident prone) I want to go back to the days of building towns out of chalk, exploring the world on just my bike, and saving the universe, one Military operation at a time with Caleb. I long for the days that were worry free, when money didn't matter, and anything was possible.

What ever happened to all of the childhood dreams I once strived to achieve? I was never the typical girl (in anything I did...EVER) that dreamed of being a ballerina. Ballerinas didn't get to wear backwards baseball caps, no I wanted to be in the NBA. (My skills were going to be too much for just the regular old WNBA) After realizing that I was much too short for that dream, my aspirations changed numerous times. At one point I read a story about Madame Curie and thought being a Chemist sounded fun. Madame Curie was the first woman to win the Nobel Prize for her discoveries in radiation and later again for discovering two new elements. If the NBA wasn't going to work out, I might as well try and cure a disease, right? However, Chemistry and I didn't like each other too much. So, once again I had to find a new dream. One that didn't require me to be nearing the seven foot mark or the brain child of Albert Einstein.

I realize that my childhood dreams were quite unique, but I miss the childlike state of mind that thought anything was possible. Failing didn't ever cross our minds and fear was only something I experienced when playing hide and go seek in the dark. Now it seems that any dream is followed by the inevitable thoughts of worry and worry's friend, impossibility. How many people dream of being a doctor yet, never even take the MCAT because they believe it impossible to pass? How many people dream of starting their own business, but can't get passed the financial worry? I am not saying these aren't acceptable things to think about. (Lord knows there are plenty of people I don't want to ever be my doctor...childhood dream or not) However, what happens to the mindset of anything is possible? When exactly do we lose that growing up?

Growing up being an actual reality is just too much for me to comprehend at the moment. Senior year of college has come much sooner than expected and I have not been able to fully prepare mentally. Two semesters left of living the "good life" and being close to my friends. After graduation, we are left for the big bad wolves in the real world....yikes! Being responsible is no longer something that warrants praise from the parents, now it becomes expected. We still get cash from the parents when they visit though, right?! (If not, I'm not ever leaving college)

J.M. Barrie, the author of Peter Pan, (yes, it was a book and not just a Disney movie) once wrote, "If growing up means it would be beneath my dignity to climb a tree, I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up! Not me!" There are so many days that I want to have the same attitude. Why would you want to give up a world built straight from your imagination for one in the workplace?

However, J.M. Barrie also wrote, "To live will be a great adventure." I suppose this is the only real reason that growing up makes sense. Living life is a great adventure, one that you cannot fully experience if stuck somewhere in the third grade. Life is meant to progress and change, it allows for memories and adventures beyond just the imagination. While, I may miss saving the world, I believe I still have much to look forward to. A bright future full of many new memories and who knows, maybe one day I'll change the world. I also believe that we are to remain young at heart and still occasionally live in the mindset of a child, one full of wonder and not of doubt. Peter Pan may have been right about not growing up after all.

If you are questioning J.M. Barrie's writings, he also has another quote that I quite enjoy.

"One girl is worth more use than 20 boys."

He must have been one smart man!