There are so many times that I wish I had my Granddad around to ask questions exactly like that. I want to know what matters most to someone when everything is said and done. I want to ask him things like, "what do you know now, that you wish you'd know then?" Unfortunately, my Granddad was gone much sooner than I would have liked and way before I was mature enough to realize I needed to sit down and ask him these questions. So, instead I have been trying to figure out what he might say to these questions, hoping that the answers will help me make a huge life decision: move to Hawaii or stay home.
When I applied to the Hawaii internship, I did it out of pure spontaneity thinking it was without a doubt not a possibility. When I was contacted for an interview, I accepted to prove to myself that I was someone worth hiring (aka better than all of the other applicants). Finding out I was offered the internship was an awesome feeling, mostly because I have this insane desire to always be number one. However, the offer had to either be accepted or declined, which meant a huge decision needed to be made. I'm not sure if I have always been indecisive or if that just started during college, but decisions are a problem for me...especially ones as big as moving my entire life across the ocean for four months.
I thought for sure, my parents would say no to Hawaii as soon as the words left my mouth. However, apparently some where in between me writing on our family van with a rock and now I have gained their respect and trust enough to decide this one on my own (lucky me). So, now I am left with a decision that seems to grow in immensity by the day.
If you asked me which way I was leaning, most days I'd tell you quickly Hawaii. I long for the adventure and independence that experience would give me. Although, there are days when I wonder if choosing Hawaii is me being selfish and irresponsible. My parents have already given me so much that I can't stand the thought of asking for something more. Hawaii is quite possibly one of the most expensive places I could have chosen and I wonder how big a burden that would be on my parents financially. Would it cost them a couple more years of work that could be spent enjoying retirement?
If worrying over the finances of a trip isn't enough, I also wonder about what I'd be losing in relationships while in Hawaii. College is typically the last time you have with your friends in the same place. What would I be missing out on with them, if I choose Hawaii? Time is something you can never get back. Is time in Hawaii more important than time I could have spent with my family and friends?
I know that the easiest answer to all of the questions would be something along the lines of "What do you think God wants?"
But, how do you decide when you are earnestly praying for an answer or guidance and hear only silence? What then?
